My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
