why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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