watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
