Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
