My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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