dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
