Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
