When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
