woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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