You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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