I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
