I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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