I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
