I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
