Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
