my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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