apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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