she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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