okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
