just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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