Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
