Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
