You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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