Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
