what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
