can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
