is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
