Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
