So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
