I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize