When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he was CRYING into my vagina
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
