My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
