I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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