i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
