Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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