Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
