life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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