I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
