It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
