as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
