Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
