Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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