He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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