yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
did i just pee glitter
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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