How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
