What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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