maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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