Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Plan B is the new Plan A
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
