People in love make me want to vomit
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
