You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
