I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
