im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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