Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
