Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can text with my tongue
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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