i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
