Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
