I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
