I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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