never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
