tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
