Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
