I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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