dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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