my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm too high and old for this...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
