I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm always down for nudity.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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