No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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